I did not encourage my 19 year old sister to move out of the family nest and into a dank, minuscule basement apartment in the Avenues with or without her amazing boyfriend to help pay bills and protect her in the night. I don't want my baby sister to grow up and have to start learning how to be a grownup in a shit hole that reeks of cigarettes and, well, lurking danger in the form of bad skanky girls and stoned losers. "Save your pennies", I think to myself, "and move into a nice place where there is no crime or bad people". What, do I think I can talk her into living in a padded room? Sheesh! Oh, I just need to drop it for now.
Yesterday, I did not open a shaken Dr. Pepper bottle in my car. It did not explode all over my leather gloves, the steering wheel, and my right side- coat sleeve, pants, seat, gearshift, etc. And then I did not go grocery shopping at Target with huge dark wet spots on my jeans and a sopping wet sleeve. I certainly did not try to dry my pants in the bathroom with the high powered hand dryer. Not me.
And I did not proceed to finish off that Dr. Pepper on the way home. I did not use half a container of Clorox wipes just on the steering wheel, to no avail. Still sticky.
When I got home I did not forget that I left my coat to soak in the washer until midnight. Then I did not let it finish it's cycle and then put it in the dryer for over an hour while it clanked and clanked so it would be dry the next morning so I could wear it to work. And the clanking did not keep my wonderful I Don't Have To Take 2 Different Medications To Fall Asleep Like You Do So Let's Just Hope That Our Future Kids Get All Of My Genes And Not Yours husband awake into the wee hours of the night, while I peacefully slept with the Cow on my head. (that stream of Capitalized Words is an product of MY brain, not Danny's. Just sayin.)
Today I did not go to the grocery store after work and buy a slice of cake and a small bag of salt n pepper pistachios for lunch. And I did not eat the entire bag of nuts while watching a whole disc of Buffy Season 5 because our cable was broken.
Then I did not pour liquid laundry detergent all over the recycling bin and some of the recyclables when I tried to fill the cap to the appropriate line. I did not previously wash the cap with the laundry so many times that it cracked and formed a huge hole in the bottom that I wasn't aware of. I then did not spill dissolved Oxyclean all over the washer lid and my hand when I overfilled the jar with hot water to dissolve it in. And I definitely won't get gross, dry and cracked fingertips and painful peeling cuticles that take forever to heal from being exposed to Oxyclean.
And finally, my downstairs neighbors did not hire a dude that they don't know to "hook up cable for a year for $40". (too good to be true, you say? No!) And that dude did not buy a cable splitter from radio shack, unscrew our cable, attach it to their cable, and then forget to screw ours back in. And Danny did not spend 45 minutes on the phone with ***cast, trying to convince them it was their fault, all the while they were trying to convince him that it was our fault. And Danny did not have to go outside with a flashlight in the cold to find what he thought to be a deception on our neighbors part. Nope. (but we worked it out. Danny was nice and told them that he didn't mind if they kept the splitter on and got our cable for free. I am not so nice and reminded him of the few times he has tried to convince me to live without cable so he could stop paying an arm and a leg for bad t.v. and Internet.)
And to top off? I did not watch half of the lame Should Of Gotten Cancelled Instead Of Conan Jimmy Fallon show, where the lamest Beatle of all was on- Ringo Starr, while I am talking to the t.v. telling Ringo to shove it and Jimmy that he sucks and that I hate him, when Danny says this:
Ringo Starr, just buy an island and leave the world alone.
I love my husband.
Thanks Allisen, this is a fun way to blog!
* just a little side note, after posting this, I got a comment from a ***cast representative inquiring why our service for cable and internet is bad. Big Brother is watching. I had no idea they pay people to watch blogger. Never making that mistake again!
(sorry if I offended any Ringo fans, I just don't like him. And then when he butchers a freaking Beatles song on t.v.? And he is a freaking Beatle? No excuse.)