Tuesday, May 4, 2010

the wednesday mid week rant

dear stranger parked next to me,

Since I don't see your lavish and monsterous vehicle in that primo handicapped parking spot, I guess you aren't a total ass. If my handicapped sister were here, she most certainly wouldn't give you a knuckle sandwich.

dear nickki,

Since you weren't rushing while ringing me up so you could go and have a smoke, and you don't have mile long grape colored fingernails, you may not have accidentally pushed the "9" button instead of the "@" button. Then you wouldn't have charged me $39.59 for 3 sheets of 59¢ scrapbook paper. Because charging me $42.30 instead of $1.89 is really no big deal, so I don't blame you at all. I am so glad that I didn't have to get 3 of your superiors to fix it, because you weren't m.i.a. I think you probably got in trouble, when you got back. Bet you'll be more careful now, wolverine.

dear lady at the fabric store,

I love how humble you were today when you didn't tell everybody in the store how easy it was to make your daughters "piddy dwess". And then how you didn't continue on to egg her on to let us know how much she loves her "piddy dwess wifth awl the piddy faggots" Yes. We all get how cute the way she says "fabrics" is. Make her say it again! And again! Once more, with feeling!

It's not like your daughter had to keep telling you that she needed changing, because you didn't keep telling her how much she stank. I commend you for being so thoughtful and not letting her spew her putrid diaper stench around the huge store with each and every twirl of that pretty dress, so that we weren't grossed out at all. Because you weren't too busy still telling all of us strangers how many projects on display in the store you had made yesterday, and how many people on the street plead and beg with you to make them some "piddy dwesses" too.

BTW, can you make me one? Oh, and if you could, would you please exaggerate the way your daughter pronounces certain words? I am hard of hearing, and I absolutely love hearing adults mix baby talk and regular english.

I'm sorry, but this lady really pushed my buttons. This is what she sounded like:

Her: Cosette? Do you like this buuudy faggot? (birdy fabric) Oh man, you stink. So anyway, it like took me 3 hours to make that skirt. (it had 6 layers of ruffles. It would take me days.) 3 hours! I would like have to charge $80 if I were to make them and sell them. You weally stink! Gwoss! I made my cousin one, and someone saw her and was like Oh my gosh where did you get that skirt, I need it! And she was like, well, you can't have one, and then she was like, but I need one! What about this polka doooot faggot, do you wike it? Hu baaaby? You are toe tinky! And so she told her, well, she doesn't like to make them, cause they take too long! I mean, can you believe it took me 3 hours?!? 3 hours...

I got out of there as fast as I could, which was not fast enough. Man! When I worked at the baby store, we had a few careless moms that didn't care that their children were stinkin up the place, but not with her attitude and cockiness. Geez. I feel sorry for her kids! I guess it's different too- working somewhere that you have to deal with a regular customer that annoys the hell out of you, than being just another customer in a store when an annoying regular is on a rant.

Okay, I am now done with my rant.

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