betty marie

I don't want to be a grown-up today.

All I want is to go back to bed. To cuddle with my cats. To listen to my husband breathe.

I don't want to watch her die. I don't want to watch my dad watch his mom die. I don't wanna.

But I will. Because I am an adult. I can be a brave little toaster. Hiding under the covers is not the way to go. I have had to deal with deal from afar before, and it haunted me. (my friend Jenn died at 23, I missed the funeral because we had a family vacation planned that couldn't be moved. She was miserable in life. I knew that she was happier in death, but I could never make sense of it.)

I am a horrible person. I just want her to die. There. I said it.

**********

Okay, I did it. I saw her. Lying in bed, no longer eating or talking. She's in a dream/sleep state, not waking up. She has pain from her organs shutting down, so she thrashes and moans. They give her morphine drops, and she calms down.

Lindsay sat and held her hand, telling her secrets. After a bit, she got up and threw her arms around me, sobbing.

Loo-loo does not usually show affection, or need comfort- she is rarely ever sad or upset. It is her very unique perspective in life that gives her the ability to see joy and happiness in everything in her life. I envy her sometimes- she is just below the radar of reality- that this world is cruel, cold, violent, unfair and tragic. So when she hugged me so tight, I just about fell to my knees.

We took a break, and took a walk down main street. It was nice to get outside- and it was sunny. Main street was so magical when I was little. Not so much now, but I have a good memory, and a great imagination.

We took Lindsay home. She was starting to worry whether or not we were going to put her grandma in a box. In the ground. "when is grandma going to heaven?" she asked. Maloree came home from work, and requested that I go with her to see grandma. I was stronger by then. I hugged her. I held her hand. I got her some tissues.

My aunt Mary (great aunt, actually- her younger sister) told us stories from their younger years. It was nice to break up the sadness, and to hear tales from the past. We went back home, to look at old photos to use for her service. Happy memories.

At about 10, Danny and I headed home. We stopped by to see her once more.

They told us she would probably make it through the night.

I made Danny buy me some ice cream. I had a bowl, then I had a slice of cheesecake. We watched one of our favorite movies- Lost in Translation. Every time I watch that movie, I want to travel to Japan. Like now.

Just let her go, okay? She has waited long enough.