Monday, April 5, 2010

five years

In all the hustle and bustle of quitting my job and being sick, I totally forgot about my 5 year anniversary...

...of being sober.

The word sober sounds so somber. Like I only live in black and white now, and gave color up to save my soul. But I didn't. My life was "so hard" before. Now, it's a lot easier. And a lot better.

The hardest part of that first year of sobriety was not not drinking, or having to shun all of my old "friends". It was learning to love myself. I realized that the reason I was co-dependent was that I hated spending time alone. With myself. In order to fix it though, it was strange, kinda like I had to split myself in 2, and make those halves be bff's. It worked, and I finally found joy and happiness in everyday life. Life itself became so much easier for me.

I have also found, in this last week of not having a job, that I don't love myself nearly as much as I should anymore. On Saturday and part of today, I have been putting around the house feeling sorry for myself. I feel lost, and I know that I just need some direction and some plans to get back to where I want to be.

I have been feeling like this for some time now, It seems. With the new year came changes at work. Most of the responsibility I had gained had been taken away. Not because I was doing badly, just because of some changes that the management made. I was okay with it at first, because I thought that things would return to normal soon. I waited out January. There was a night that Danny was upset with me. I didn't know why, so I asked. He admitted that he was actually sad, not mad, because he said "he misses me as he is sitting next to me". I wrote it off as part of my seasonal depression, but it didn't get any better. I waited out February. I would go to work and wish I was home. I would get home, and wish I was at work. Nothing really helped. I tried to fill my time with sewing and cooking and cleaning, but I still felt lost. Not every day, but enough to cause concern.

And then it was March, oh how crappy March was. I had a meltdown about 2 weeks ago, when I realized that things were not going to go back to normal. I loved my job so much, but everything I loved about it was gone, and never coming back. And so I was mad. I love everyone I worked with, I loved helping people choose the right gear for their baby. I loved being around happy pregnant women and cute smiling babies. But. I just wasn't happy. So it was time to leave, and I did.

As I lay in bed last week trying to go to sleep, the gears still whirred and twisted away. I kept asking myself, "why am I being so lame? (lame meaning feeling sorry for myself, having irrational thoughts, being paranoid) I haven't felt this way since before I was in rehab!" And I realized that since I define myself by what I do and now that what I do did is gone, I need to start over.

Not completely, though. I am a wife, a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter. I am creative, and I love creating stuff. I just need to do some remodeling on my self esteem, my self confidence. I need to split back into 2, and learn to get along again with that pathetic Eeyore half.

I apologize if reading my blog this year has been a downer for any of you. But this blog definitely helps me work through my crap, share my happiness, and blather on and on about nerdy stuff. So forgive me, okay? I promise it will get better.

5 years. Is a long time. I have changed so much! I think it will be a lot easier this time around, to get myself back on track. I have done it before, right?

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