Tuesday, June 1, 2010

i'll cry if i want to, and even when i really don't

I made this ridiculous rule goal that I would not cry every single day until the funeral. That I would be strong and save it for the day. Then I can fill just one day with gut wrenching sadness, gobs of snot, droopy eyes, and a salty face. Then it would be done, and I would be fine.

Ha. Right. As I was mid melt down at 2 a.m. last night, my husband told me that it's okay to be sad. Every day. For awhile. He told me that when his grandpa died, he cried once a day for 2 weeks. What? How did I not know this? I feel like a horrible wife when I have not comforted my husband in a time of sadness. Danny is so private sometimes most of the time. He doesn't talk about his feelings constantly, or post them on the internets like I do. I feel controlled by my emotions sometimes- out of control.

So I envy his ability to reflect and deal- quietly, privately. The only thing keeping me sane right now is him. My back has been killing me- storing the stress in the form of knots lining both sides of my spine. He rubs my back, and I feel okay. Better. When he is at work, it's all I can do to not lay in bed with a heavy heart.

This sadness is driving me crazy. Seriously, I feel like my heart weighs 20 pounds.

So I am making some new hair clips. I have a few special requests for my family, and I think I figured out a few new ones that will be really cute and not like everyone else's. It's been a slow process so far, I can't create and not think about my grandma.

And I really need a glue gun. I have tried so hard to not use one, but it would make this so much easier. But I can't go and get one until I take a shower. And I really don't want to leave the house and deal with other human beings. Especially the ones that work and shop at Joann's.

Speaking of Joann's, I made Danny go with me the other day. I had to get fabric cut, and that line is always ridiculous, so he waited in the car. When I finally came out to the car, he said to me "Why are all the ladies that shop here so hideous? I mean their hair. Is awful. It's like they don't wash it ever. And it's huge and just gross." Atrocious. Is the word my mom would use to describe them.

Because, my darling. Crafters are introverts, like myself. They shack up in their sewing rooms, making stuff. Then they realize that they need something at the store to finish whatever it is they are doing, and they need to finish it right now, so they go sans shower, because that creative fire can be put out. I know, it has happened to me many a time. I have indeed gone to Joann's, sans shower. I wear a hat. Because you can't tell I have greasy hair and no makeup on when I wear a hat. Right?

Needles to say, I will not be joining the ranks of hideous women shopping at Joann's today. I have to take a shower so we can go to my brothers birthday party later anyway. So I will go and get my glue gun looking like a rock star. But I will not judge the greasy haired, sweat pants clad women. For I am one of them.

Except that I do pull some jeans on with my hat. I have not reached the level of going out in public in sweats yet. Wait till we have kids. I'm sure by then it will happen.

To my wonderful husband, sorry in advance. I hope you will still love me then.


  1. I cried for months when John's older brother died. I had never gone through a funeral before with someone I was so close to. You would have thought he was my own brother. It felt like it would take forever to get over. It was even hard when my friend's grandma died. She was like a 2nd grandma to me. It's hard, but it's so nice to know she no longer has to suffer. It's crazy though, how you can go through life and think things aren't so bad, and then bam! *hugs*